On Finding Our Way

"Study thyself, discover the divine"

II.44 Patanjali’s yoga sutras

May you live in interesting times. Isn’t that the old Chinese curse? I don’t know if this is folklore or not, but I have a distinct memory of a tall, blue-eyed air force pilot telling me this. I remember that pilot well.

Not because I thought for a time that I was in love with him and not because I pursued him with the reckless abandon of youthful idealism about loving and being loved and the deep-seeded belief that perhaps I only had value if someone else saw it. 

Although clearly I remember that. 

Here’s the thing I remember about him. He was unabashedly himself. Committed to his own vision, his own path, not afraid to be a little different, or even, occasionally to make a mistake. He did not put himself down. When conventional wisdom would have said, stay in the air force, continue your rise through the ranks, he thought, you know, there is a giant world out there to explore and I’d like to do it - my way. He moved himself on over to the reserves and started living life - his way. And the stories I bet he could tell you now…  

I also remember the way he bounced when he walked, his delight in the littlest things, whether it was a song, or a bar, or an idea - he loved ideas. I remember that he wasn’t traditionally handsome, but that he was: So. Full. Of. Life. I remember believing I was in love with him, whatever that means, but realizing later - much later - that what I was in love with was that he believed in me. And he truly did.

There are a few lessons here. 

Most of us are looking for someone to validate that what we are doing, who we are, how we live our lives, whatever it is, is RIGHT. Or at least, ok. Sometimes it’s a romantic partner, sometimes it’s a teacher or a guru. No matter who it is, I think there’s something to be careful about here. Very careful.

When does that approval become so important that we no longer hear ourselves? How does it cloud our vision? And what happens when we put a teacher, a guru, a friend even, or a romantic partner on a pedestal? And what happens when we realize that they don’t belong there? Or what if we refuse to see that? (And also, is it fair to anyone to place them on a pedestal, even if they seem to be asking for it? We are all human and divine, we walk the same earth, hopefully, with care).

What I love about yoga is this. We are part of a community and we are also following our own path through movement, through teachings, through life. And I understand that sometimes we practice yoga completely on our own - but we are still part of a community, a global force of humans doing this yoga thing. But what is this yoga thing?

If you haven’t figured it out, I’m way better at questions than I am at answers. 

That leads me to Svadhyaya. Pamela Seelig writes in Threads of Yoga: “Svadhyaya is the study of the self for the purpose of understanding our potential, or self-realization. It is also the study of ancient texts or traditions… This spiritual quest takes as many forms as there are humans….” She goes on to explain that reading the Bible, reading a classical spiritual text, staring at the stars and questing in our minds, or talking to a therapist are all examples of the yogic path, all examples of seeking deeper meaning - or yoga.

Have you ever noticed how when you read a spiritual or philosophical text, you’ll find yourself nodding in agreement? Maybe it's the resonance of metaphors for example, about the ego being a dirty window through which we see the world. Or maybe it's understanding intuitively how, of course, it is our craving for things that can lead to suffering. OR even that yes, that person that just GETS UNDER YOUR SKIN - you realize, I am them, I see me in them, what is it that I need to come to terms with in myself - or let go of in my ego to find peace. 

Maybe this hasn’t happened to you. It has to me. And then when I try to explain to someone what wisdom I found embedded in the many many words of text that may or may not be obscure, I can usually boil it down to a sentence or two and usually land in a similar place. We trip over our egos. 

My partner asked me, if it’s so simple, so common sense, why do you need to do the reading, join a community, follow a tradition, be part of a group?

It’s because, as Ted Lasso reminds us, humans also have the memory of a goldfish. These traditions, groups, communities, all of whom are sharing our experience, help us stay on track - or can - can remind us of what we already know inside. 

But, that’s the key - the knowledge still comes from within. Teachers can guide us, communities can remind us, but the true learning comes from hearing the wisdom embedded in our own hearts and souls and that’s not about ego. Ego is the dirty window that keeps us from seeing it. It’s the pane of glass that keeps us from feeling it. 

We are all connected, and, as Rumi, the 13th century Sufi mystic, famously said, we are all a universe.

"Do not feel lonely. The entire universe is inside you"